day 02

Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

I dunno, I really just want to be living on my own (or with a significant other of some sort) in a nice apartment somewhere on the West Coast (not SoCal, though, I don’t really like that vibe.) San Francisco, Seattle, even fuckin’ Vancouver. I hope to have a steady yet interesting job (or two,) a cat (or two,) and enough money to buy the things I need, a few things for other people, and a bit left over to put into savings. I don’t have detailed hopes, because I don’t like to work toward a goal— I like to see where life takes me  and build myself around that. 

day 01

Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

It’s funny, because what he said on the night of October 28th would probably make most people roll their eyes and turn away.

“So… do you wanna, like, go out with me… and stuff?”

But it was the way he said it— standing there under that streetlight, his face rendered in orange and black shadows, eyes drowning in stained glass and the light of the moon. His voice was barely a murmur in the clear night air. 

I was vaguely aware of my knees’ existence. My voice was steady as I answered, my head clear, and no, I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode. But that moment, it was so… us. 

I’ve gone back and looked at the dates. We met in mid-September. He asked me to Homecoming on September 29th, first hung out alone on October 2nd, and went to the dance together on the 9th. Nights passed where we sat on playgrounds, looking at the stars and leaning on each other until one day passed into the next and we couldn’t feel our fingers in the crisp fall air. But those nights were so warm, just because we had each other.

People say we’re more like really good friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. But I wouldn’t want a relationship to be any other way— we’re best friends above anything else. In public, we poke fun at each other, act silly with our friends, and talk at great lengths about food, friends, cats, and questionable music. And in private, we’re much the same— we watch shitty movies together, criticize each others’ burping abilities, stand around on street corners for long periods of time, and sing said questionable music, much to the other’s dismay. It’s the way we are, and it’s fantastic.

I don’t think we’ve ever directly said how we felt about each other. I don’t think we need to, though, at least not for now, because some things don’t need to be said, they’re just felt— by my waist as his arms wrap around it, by my hands as he holds them, by my chest as I inhale his scent, and by my heart as his eyes look into mine, only inches away. I don’t know the first thing about love, and I have not idea if I’m in it. It would probably take a lot longer than three months to fall into it, and I would probably actually be sure of the meaning all these feelings if I was in it.

But I don’t care. He makes me happy, and I hope I do the same for him. And though I don’t know what the future will bring, I know that I like us, whatever we may be.

VANILLA MUSK

I’m sorry that I sniff you constantly. It’s just that you smell really, really, really good.

YOU KNOW WHAT

Every hour spent with you is like an hour spent eating ice cream. Out of the carton, with my fingers, over the sink, while singing Dancing Queen and doing that weird butt-shake dance that one does while eating over the sink and singing. I fucking love it. You’re goddamn amazing.

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT

I fucking love Ke$ha.

a moment ago

I had all these things to say, despairing while you were gone. Then you came back and I forgot them. And then you told me what you did— who you are, who you were, it doesn’t matter because it’s just time— and everything seems to be crashing down in the most halfhearted of ways.

all we are

It has nothing to do with what you said. It’s what you didn’t say (everything) that’s got my lungs feeling all squeezed up and my eyes moistening. And I just sit here and listen to this song while you know these things, and I don’t, and I probably never will because you don’t want to share them. I wouldn’t either.

all we are is bullets

I don’t want to do this again. I thought I had myself under control. I thought everything was turning out for the better, that I was turning out for the better. That I was past 3:22 AM on a Sunday morning. That I didn’t have to ever feel this way, because things would be okay now.

They’re not. 

I just want to know why. I want to understand. I want to know what you’re thinking. I can’t do this alone. I’m just one person, one kid that never really thought they had a chance of making it. A kid who never pictured themselves with a future, only half-believing that it would ever really happen. And now all this is happening. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. I’m leaving in less than a year. I’m leaving forever and this will never be my home again because I won’t live here, and that feeling of ‘home’ will never be around again.

I don’t want to be on my own. I can’t be on my own. I tried to tell myself so many times that yes, I can be; that I don’t mind it, that it’s good for me, that it’s just how I work best. And look where it’s got me. Tears dripping down my neck.

i mean this

i’m not alone

i’m not alone

i’m not alone

i’m not alone

why am i so alone

when i’m not with you

i am so alone

I can’t do this now, just go into the bunker, hide away and savor every second of the alone that I hate to love. I have school. I have a project due Monday that was supposed to take me a month but I haven’t started. I have the last week of school. I have finals. I have to submit my application to the school of my dreams.

i mean this

I’m the demolition.

forever.

IT’S NOT THAT

the only hope for me is you. I’d been doing fine on my own, really, and I’ve got enough faith in myself as is to know that it’s not like I’d have fallen apart if you’d never showed up.

But somehow, it’s so much nicer with you around.

Stay with me. We can watch the raindrops pitter patter on pavement stained orange by streetlamps and carbon monoxide, dripping dropping curling down your face in the chill of first winter.

I won’t tell anyone.