i’ve cried nearly every night for the past week.
present company accepting, presently we all expect the worst
i’m probably going to arizona state for colllege. i know it’s the best for my family because i’m getting a full tuition scholarship and all. i know it’s the right thing to do for my parents and for my future.
walking up to me expecting words, it happens all the time
i don’t want to go. i hate everything about having to go. i hate that i’m going to be two thousand miles from home in a state that i never wanted to even visit in the first place. i hate that i’ll be a four hour flight from everyone i know and love.
i hate that i’ll be completely alone. no one that i know. no one.
all the friendships that i’ve spent the last few years building, gone down the shitter and into the realm of facebook.
i’m going to be so alone. out of state, the girl with weird hair and no friends. it’s going to be elementary school all over again, except instead of name calling and safety pins stuck in my legs, it’s just going to be being alone.
i can’t take this. i’m shaking from how hard i’m crying.
i’ve always wanted to leave here, but not like this.
i just want to go to u of i. i just want to be able to show up at home for a long weekend. i just want to have a friend to hold my hand as i try and figure out what the fuck i’m doing with myself.
present company, the best that you can find.
i’m not strong. i’ve never been strong on my own. i’ll be the strongest one in the group, always stand up and be the funny one, the smart one, whatever.
by myself, i’m no one. i don’t have the courage to do anything. just the crippling, blinding, devastating loneliness.
present company, just laugh it off, it’s better than it seems
it took me so long to stop being used to being alone. to stop being used to hating myself and being weak. all that hard work, for shit.
i’m sure i’ll make new friends there. i don’t want them.
i miss the way the night comes
with friends who always make it feel good
this basement has a cold glow
though it’s better than a bunch of others.
i’ve gotta do this. i have to give it all up and leave. money’s tight and love is relative.
it’s your show.
it’s my life.
break me into bigger pieces
so some of me is home with you
wait until the weekend
and we can make our bad dreams come true.
i love you.